The Pot Noodle Conspiracy 5

In the labs of Professor Cover, Everything was in a confused turmoil. They had just received some startling information about the identity of Fanny. Quickly, guards were dispatched to seize Fanny for interrogation. It took them several minutes to get to cell 612B, but imagine their surprise when there was nobody there!
Suddenly a short, dumpy little fellow appeared before them. The captain of the guard seized hold of the dumpy man’s creased and crumpled shirt in a tight headlock.
“Where’s the girl??” The captain asked, in a gruff, buff voice.
“Sh-sh-sh-she g-g-g-got away sir… I’m t-t-t-terribly s-sorry sir…” The dumpy man stuttered, visibly sweating in the headlock.
“sorry is not going to bring her back though is it???” Gruff man shouted, rather loudly, I may add. He released Dumpy, who collapsed to the ground, and stormed off, talking in his walky-talky as he went.
“I want guards searching every area of the surrounding area – she can’t have that far away. It’s not like she has a Ferrari or anything.”

Rhubarb was getting rather a bit bored. He had been sitting in the same awkward cupboard all morning, and had even missed lunch, the delicious smells of crab soup drifting in to his cupboard, and very nearly making his stomach rumble. Thank goodness it didn’t, because I am quite sure no-one wanted to listen to the noise of a camel farting again. The president had hardly moved at all, and as rhubarb could not leave the cupboard until there was no-one in the room so no-one would see him, it looked like he would be there for a lot longer. Rhubarb started making himself comfortable for a long, long night in an uncomfortable cupboard, when suddenly a big burly officer smashed his way into the room.

The Pot Noodle Conspiracy 4

someone new is being dragged into the cell next to Fanny’s.
He is called Dick, and he is not supposed to be here, he bribed the guard outside. He is quite the billionaire, is Dickie. Quite soon after this new arrival arrival arrived, a rather new new arrival came and arrived. Except that this new arrival that had presently arrived was actually a warden, come to take the inmates to the exercise compound. It was then that Dick made himself known to Fanny.
“Hi” Said Dick. “I’m Dick.”
“Hi” Said Fanny. “I’m Fanny.”
“I know” Said Dick.
“Oh.” Said Fanny” Are you some kind of stalker or something?” She asked.
“Kind of.” Said Dick.
And then it was time for them to go back to their rather uninspiring, dank little cells. Fanny returned feeling uplifted, if a little disturbed. Of course, this new found discovery of having a stalker made her ever so slightly more delusional, but she is stuck in prison so w I think we can forgive her.
The next day, in the exercise compound, Dick came up to Fanny again. But this time he had a slightly more interesting piece of information to share with her.
“I can get you out of here” he said
“I don’t believer you” She replied (She may have been deluded but she was certainly not thick)
“Oh, but I Can.” He replied forcefully.
So he took her hand and led her to the gate, where there was a guard. Dickie held out an envelope with a lot of dosh inside to the guard. He refused to take it, so he bashed the guards face in and legged it with Fanny.
Fanny was quite disturbed by all this bishing and bashing and boshing, so Dick had to quite literally drag her out of the prison, into his blue and orange Ferrari that just happened to be waiting there. Fanny was extremely worried about their little escapade and kept looking behind her for guards, but Dickie seemed much more occupied with reapplying his eyeliner. Fanny stared in bemusement at this entirely new spectacle to her. She had never before seen a guy wearing eyeliner. She snorted with laughter at the ridiculousness of it all. And then they drove off, to the back of beyond.

The Pot Noodle Conspiracy 3

You may be interested to know that a certain young man named Rhubarb knew exactly what the odd noise was. He was jammed into a cupboard of little space and awkward shape. Rhubarb was supposed to be observing the president, but not much is to be found by watching a sad man stuck in a daydream, so Rhubarb had presently fallen asleep. You should know that the acoustics in the cupboard were slightly odd, so that when Rhubarb snored, the sound resembled a Camel burping. Luckily, this strange strange noise had also awakened Rhubarb, so that was the end of that.

Please bear with w while we skip off once again to Fanny, who was also caught up in a bucket load of reverie. So, seeing as at the present moment nothing much seems to be happening in the story, I may as well tell you what our dear Fanny was thinking.
Fanny was not Fanny’s real name. In fact, almost no-one knew her real name. Actually definitely no-one knows her real name. Fanny was all Fanny could say when she turned up at the orphanage, so that is how she got her name. She arrived at the orphanage age 2 5/6. That is where she met Willy, aged 2 8/10. Fanny was slightly delusional (of course she wasn’t thinking this, but it is true. Fanny was actually wondering what would happen if you mixed a fire engine with a duck.) and also slightly full of herself.
But know I will stop this, as someone new is being dragged into the cell next to Fanny’s.

The Pot Noodle Conspiracy 2

The Pot Noodle Was Poisoned!!!
Of course, Fanny was the main suspect, especially as she was secretly harbouring a huge pot noodle obsession. One day the police arrived at the orphanage where she lived, and arrested her, amid much screaming and kicking because of course no-one wants to be arrested. But then they threatened to call the men in white coats, and she came quietly. When at the police station they had to take a DNA test. How fascinating. So they locked Fanny up in the cold, dark and dull prison cell.

Meanwhile in a Whitehouse far, far away…
President Jock was sitting at a desk. It was a very lovely desk. It was hand carved in Italy many centuries ago. He was reading the daily newspaper, with the headline ‘Murder In A Pot’. The President was sad. Exactly 12 years ago to the day his daughter had been kidnapped. By who, he knew not. He had lost his wife 5 months ago. It was a tragic accident, involving a stuffed purple unicorn from Tesco, a barbars shop and a biography of Elizabeth the first. But that is another story, for another time, so I shan’t go into detail. Now, President Jock had had a tragic family history, so his daughter, whom he had named Rachel, was the only family he had left. If she was still alive. Which he very much doubted.
He sighed quietly to himself. And then jumped up half out of his skin, as he heard a noise. But it seemed to come from nothing, so the president continues his Reverie.

The Pot Noodle Conspiracy -- Instalment 1

It was just sitting there. The pot noodle. It was practically begging Fanny to tip it onto Willy's head. So she did just that. Unfortunately, she did not realise that he had a deasly allergy to chicken. (which was the flavour of the pot noodle) So, unfortunatley, Willy died. The next day was his funeral. No-one came, so thay had to hold another one the next day.
Everyone came that time, except Fanny, who was too ashamed that she had killed her best friend. Especially as they were very nearly a lot more than just best friends. Even the Prime Minister of Australia came. And some kangaroos.
Now, seeing as the circumstances of Willy's death were far from normal, Professor Cover launched a full scale investigation into the death. As it is very unusual for somone to be that allergic to chicken noodles. Very soon, they found some suprising evidence...